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The Laws of My Administration, song lyrics

Song: The Laws of My Administration
Lyrics: Bert Kalmar(1)(2)

Music: Harry Ruby(1)(3)
Year: 1933(1)
Genre: Comedy & Musical Theatre
Country: USA



(A woman, first line talking, then the rest singing, asking the question:)
If it's not asking too much,
For our information, just for illustration,
Tell us how you intend to run the nation.

(All singing done by the character Rufus T. Firefly, played by Groucho Marx, unless otherwise noted:)
These are the laws of my administration:
No one's allowed to smoke,
Or tell a dirty joke,
And whistling is forbidden.

(Ensemble:)
We're not allowed to tell a dirty joke.
HAIL, HAIL, FREEDONIA

If chewing gum is chewed,
The chewer is pursued,
And in the hoosegow hidden(4).

(Ensemble:)
If we should choose to chew,
We'll be pursued.
This song was originally posted on protestsonglyrics.net
If any form of pleasure is exhibited,
Report to me and it will be prohibited.
I'll put my foot down; So shall it be
This is the land of the free.
The last man nearly ruined this place,
He didn't know what to do with it.
If you think this country's bad off now,
Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(5)The treasury is low on dough;
The last man went and flew with it.
If you think we're short of money now
Just wait 'till I get through with it.

The country's taxes must be fixed,
And I know what to do with it,
If you think you're paying too much now,
Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(5)(Dignitary:)
In our midst you stand The ruler of this land,
A man who'll govern with an iron hand.

(5)If anyone gets fresh with me,
I'll show him who's the boss;
I'll stand upon my dignity,
and toss him for a loss.
And this will be the penalty,
For those who doublecross,
We'll stand 'em up against the wall,
and Pop goes the Weasel!

(5)(Ensemble:)
If you should make him cross,
He'll toss you for a loss.
If anyone gets fresh with him,
He'll show him who's the boss.

I will not stand for anything,
That's crooked or unfair;
I'm strictly on the up and up,
So everyone beware.
If anyone's caught taking graft,
And I don't get my share,
We'll stand 'em up against the wall,
And pop goes the weasel!
This song was originally posted on protestsonglyrics.net
(Ensemble:)
So everyone beware,
Who's crooked or unfair;
No one must take a bit of graft,
Unless he gets his share.

If any man should come between,
A husband and his bride,
We find out which one she prefers,
By letting her decide.
If she prefers the other man,
The husband steps outside;
We stand him up against the wall,
and Pop goes the Weasel!

(Ensemble:)
The husband steps outside;
Relinquishes his bride;
We stand him up against the wall
And take him for a ride.

(5)The population must increase,
With great rapidity.
We give a couple seven years,
To raise a family.
If, by that time, there is
No branch upon the family tree,
We stand 'em up against the wall,
and Pop goes the Weasel.


Notes:

1 - From the script of the Marx Brothers 1933 movie, Duck Soup; Screenplay by Harry Ruby, Bert Kalmar and Grover Jones.

2 - Bert Kalmar

3 - Harry Ruby

4 - "Hoosegow", slang for jail.

5 - These original verses in the script were removed for the movie.